I may be bitter

People only care about you for as long as it takes to eat you.

Friends are just people who eat you slowly, taking their time to savour your taste.

When the best parts are devoured, they leave you for the vultures.

It is not how it should be, friendship should be about empathy and sacrifice. About feeding them yourself, instead of taking what you want from them.

I tried so long to live like this, but in the end reality always wins.

People only care about you until all the good meat has been consumed.

If the meat is sour, if the meat is bitter, if the meat is is salty, no-one wants to eat it.

You are all cannibals, feasting on the flesh of others and claiming to be friends.

But are you ever there for them when the feast turns sour, spoiled, rotten.

You’re only there when it suits you, and don’t worry yourselves with bad meat.

I hope death is kinder than you ever were.

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mixed cliche

Rain and cliche opening lines, mixed metaphors and giving up on pretense of wit. Heart strings of a small viola, swelling up in music on soundscapes – peaks and valleys, mountains rising and capped in snow and ice. Coffee at the summit, just a long walk away to angel songs and dust. Heady scent like sex, drugs and violence. Knight fall brings out the moon, crusading for the holy land and breaking the grail upon arrival. No jihad to resist, just the ritual slaughter of an innocent soul. As ridiculous a metaphor as all can see, the eyes of the beholder turn away and find beauty. Drenched in the blood of the infidel, my own, my fall brings out the moon and with clawed fingers I pull my own heart. Strings on the viola, played to my own demise. The rain song played for the moon wells up in a death throe.

disorganised thoughts

I had forgotten how it felt to have your heart torn out and eaten before your eyes.

I should have died years ago.

My expectations were exceeded, I did not know what to expect.

What is love but a coffin?

Sealed tight.

Every nail a rejection, spurned upon the anvil and forged with ire.

All it took was a single hammer to seal shut.

Lock and key.

Like pulling teeth and sowing closed the gums with salt and lime.

Stitching pulling, a hole in my heart to match the teeth.

No air, and pain in the chest – burning sulfur and brimming malice.

A reminder of how sublimation functions,

I had forgotten the sublimeness of despair,

until I met you.

18.5.18

The vibrance of her skin against me,

perfume stains

tangled up in interstellar fabrics.

She is the sun

drenching me in her soft black light

gravity drawing me in.

I lay head against her pillows

and ink on her skin.

Pale white and pockmarked,

toothy grin and elation.

 

Tell me, where do you see this going?

“Far.”

How far?

“The moon, the stars, I want to die with you.”

Die with me?

“In like eighty years, when we’ve had a long happy life together.”

 

In like eighty years, when we’ve had a long happy life together. I’ll lay you down for the last time, and kiss you gently, and hold your hand as you fade away.

“You won’t die with me?”

Someone has to make sure you stay dead, I don’t want to be responsible for the zombie apocalypse.

*snort* “You nerd.”

 

In eighty years,

we won’t know ourselves.

So much can change

in a much shorter time.

 

The vibrance of her skin against me,

perfume stains

tangled up in interstellar fabrics.

Nuclear fires burned up

drenching me in warm red and orange

gravity pulling me apart.

I lay her head against her pillows

and lipstick on her cheek.

Pale white and pockmarked,

serene smile and adoration.

18.5.17.

Falling to pieces, a broken mirror’s stare.

Shattered like an unreal dream.

All I want is companionship, a pretty girl who pays attention to me.

So we can talk about anxiety together and maybe learn to cope.

But where do I begin?

A shadow of a human, my tongue sticks to itself

my mind undercuts my thoughts

Incapable of even knowing how to start.

And no-one even talks to me, how can I learn to be human?

Is it worth even trying, or should my isolation just eat my mind until I no longer think, or act, or feel.

And all I want is the attention of a pretty girl, whose anxious just like me.

To lay on the streets together and count the stars, and in the rain sit and watch the world turn to silver.

18.5.11

And will you cry when I am gone? Will you see my disappearance for what it is, or let it consume you in another way, or better yet ignore the fact I am no longer here?

And will you cry when I am gone? Will it even make you wonder, make you sad, make you happy? Do I care anymore? Do you?

And will you cry when I am gone? Or are you as tired as I am of all this fighting? The stress of hair falling out and mouth always dry. The constant never eating, feeling sick and waking up at three AM to throw up and fall asleep exhausted on the bathroom tiles. The toxic feel creeping across your body, the glow of another vain battle.

And will you cry when I am gone? Or be relieved my paranoia is finally gone? Will you move on? Will you find another? Will I stain you in my radiation and leave you just as sick as I am? How many pieces of myself can be amputated before you waiver and wander and leave me for another? Another woman, another man? Am I the only, am I even special?

And when I’m gone, I want you to remember me. I don’t care when I am gone, when you leave me. Remember me please. Don’t ever regret falling in love with me.

18.5.10

Energy seeks equilibrium, moving from where there is plenty to where there is scarcity.

It flows like water, always seeking balance where two bodies connect.

It flows like air, always seeking equality in pressure where systems meet.

It flows like people, always seeking majority where society will allow.

Energy comes in waves, surging across the matter fabrics of our reality.

We surge up along the path of least resistance to merge with deeper oceans.

The smaller pools may never meet the sea, trapped inland and slowly evaporating.

As the heat death slowly consumes them their bodies turn salty and toxic.

As they die we watch from afar or turn away uninterested.

The dams erected to hold us apart no longer flow.

The mountains erected to hold us apart leave rain shadows across the other.

No wind may escape, no sea may surge.

Energy seeks equilibrium, but power does not.

18.5.8

Begin with a family

grow it into a tribe

give the tribe an identity

let that identity grow into a nation

give the nation a state

upon the state invest all power

with all power the state may expand

bring other nations into the fold

but they are not like you

they are different and strange and other

and in the state offer security

security against other nations

cull them until they believe in your identity

then expand

incorporate your identity

give it values none can possibly believe in except you

like love and happiness and freedom and life

and the state will give you them

and the state will grow your identity

and the identity shall provide you comforts

it will keep you company

it will be your company

you will buy from it all you need

you will be free of the worries of your nation

the new value is in need and fulfilling it

growing forever

other nations do not believe

they cling to things they do not need and believe in things that are so other

like hate and sorrow and oppression and death

they do not accept our company

they do not like our nation

but our company accepts them

for our company loves all nations

because the new value is in need

and never mind the state, that we didn’t need

18.5.7

A captive mind, engaged and buried inside a cage

What was anxiety turns into paranoia

and it troubles how clear it has become

that if it is wrong, that if it is right

that if it is neither but both

but some and not none

or none and not any

but all of it is

the fear of never being liked and yet when it is clear

the great deceivers come forth

how worthy are you of affections if you are yourself

are you great, are you fun, are you someone to love and admire

are you are good human being

do you walk the righteous path

or do you bow to a greater power

do you sing and dance and know of love

or are you a spectre

trapped inside a room

a captive mind, engaged and buried inside a cage

locked by a key I hold.